Hello, my name is Candice, and I am here to share my personal journey with you. I have chosen to be transparent (look at me being vulnerable) and sincere about my experiences as a woman, a widow, and, oh yeah, a therapist. Shocker, we are human too! It has been 18 months since I unexpectedly lost my husband, and I have decided to convey my true emotions in some blog posts. I do not hold back from using descriptive, colorful language (if you don't like the word fuck I am not the blogger for you), and I am honest about my challenges. I launched this project because I felt isolated in my grief, only coming across generic and sterile information online when I was looking for relief from my thoughts at 3 am. I am eager to interact with you and hear about your own experiences. I aim to build a supportive community and a collection of writings. Coping with grief sucks!
Understanding Widow's Fire
The phenomenon known as "widow's fire" might be something you've never heard of, yet it affects many widows and widowers. It's a term used to describe a sudden, often uncontrollable desire for sexual intimacy following the death of a partner. Or, as I like to say, the desire to fuck and be fucked! While the concept may feel taboo or even uncomfortable to discuss, it’s a natural and vital aspect of the grieving process for some individuals.
The Phenomenon of Widow's Fire
After the death of a spouse or long-term partner, many people experience a range of powerful emotions, including sadness, anger, confusion, and loneliness. For some, this emotional state can lead to an intense yearning for sexual connection. This longing is what is commonly referred to as “widow’s fire.”
Why Does Widow's Fire Occur?
Widow's fire can be attributed to both emotional and physical factors:
Emotional Factors
Loneliness: The loss of a partner can result in profound loneliness. The need for physical closeness can become a way to fill that emotional void.
Affirmation of Life: Engaging in sexual activity can sometimes serve as a reminder that life goes on and that one is still capable of feeling pleasure and connection.
Grieving Process: Grieving is highly individualized. For some, sexual intimacy might provide a momentary escape from the pain of loss.
Anger: Sometimes, you are just irrationally angry with your spouse. It could be for dying, leaving behind a secret life, a financial mess, or just being alone.
Physical Factors
Hormonal Changes: Stress and grief can wreak havoc on the body’s hormonal balance, potentially increasing libido.
Physical Comfort: The touch of another human being can bring immense comfort during times of intense emotional turmoil.
The Statistics Behind Widow's Fire
A recent study sheds light on this often-unspoken phenomenon. It found that 3 in 5 (63%) widows and widowers felt widow’s fire following their partner’s death. Interestingly, 58% began to feel these sexual urges within hours to a day after their loss and up to six months after their loss.
Why Do These Urges Occur?
Our research revealed several reasons behind these sudden sexual desires:
Craving Intimacy (27%): Many individuals miss the closeness and warmth they shared with their late partner, leading them to seek physical intimacy.
Feeling "Horny" (25%): Beyond emotional needs, there's also a straightforward physical desire for sexual activity.
Addressing Widow's Fire
If you find yourself experiencing widow's fire, it's important to remember that this response is entirely natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Here are some steps to help you manage these feelings:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
The first step is to acknowledge what you’re feeling without judgment. Understanding that this is a common reaction can provide comfort.
2. Seek Support
Talking about your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can be invaluable. Sometimes, just verbalizing your thoughts can alleviate some of the pressure. I have the most amazing friends and therapist.
3. Consider Counseling
Grief counseling or therapy can provide a safe space to explore your emotions and desires. A professional can offer coping strategies and support tailored to your needs. Or support in acting out these desires. I prescribe the philosophy of Risk-Aware, Committed, Compassionate, and Consensual. In my therapy room, there is zero judgment. A good therapist will support and educate you in your decisions.
4. Engage in Self-Care
Taking care of your physical and emotional health is crucial. Engage in activities that bring you peace and joy, whether exercising, reading, sleeping, masturbating (yes, it is self-care), or spending time with loved ones.
5. Join a Support Group
Connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences can be incredibly validating. Local groups or online communities dedicated to grief support and widow/widower issues can be beneficial. I have a disclaimer for this(my own experiences)- be careful with the support groups you choose. Some are filled with judgment, and members that are willing to stay in the exact same place they were the day their spouse died. I personally call them the martyred bereaved. Is that a judgment? No. Ultimately, I needed to learn to move forward and look for peers who had experienced forward movement.
You need to be informed that you could meet widowed people that project their shit onto you. That can compound your pain. Don't be afraid to try different groups until you find the right fit. My people are largely on Twitter(it will always be Twitter to me). I have cultivated an overall amazing family of Tweeps or my pocket family. I have met so many amazing people in person from Twitter who were supportive before and after my husband's death. Some widows/widowers, some not. Some did not decide to share their status with me until I joined the widow club because there is so much stigma around widowhood. Some so graciously offered to entrust me with their stories to share. Oh, and I will. Because we are not alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel sexual desire after losing a partner?
Yes, it is entirely normal. Widow's fire is a recognized phenomenon and part of the complex emotions accompanying grief. It is our primal brain trying to make sense out of the incredible pain and loss and looking for relief and the affirmation of life! Nothing will do that better than an amazing orgasm and the touch of another person.
Should I act on these desires?
Whether or not to act on these desires is a personal decision. What’s most important is to ensure that your actions are consensual, safe, and respectful of your emotional state. This is where I discuss my philosophy again—the philosophy of Risk-Awareness, Commitment, Compassion, and Consensual. One risk is that you may feel so much worse if you act on it. Just because the sex did not make the pain go away, it might be nasty sex; it is different feeling sex than sex it was with your spouse; you or your sexual partner may not be able to perform, or - it can be a temporary bandaid. I have heard fellow widows and widowers say this was a fantastic experience. Disclaimer: Satisfaction will vary and is not guaranteed!
How long does widow's fire last?
The duration can vary widely from person to person. For some, the intense feelings may subside relatively quickly, while others may persist longer. Personally, I experienced it for about three months. I rode that nasty bitch out. How do you ask? I have always had sex toys, but one of my besties, Keah, told me to buy The Rose. Amazon delivered it the next day, and it did not disappoint. I didn't have sex with someone else, not for any personal moral reason or value system. I know I was in survival mode, and I didn't feel it would be fair to the other person to use them to work my shit out. Although, my husband's best work friend offered his services almost immediately. That is a story for another day...
Conclusion
Widow's fire is a deeply personal and often misunderstood aspect of grief. By acknowledging and understanding this phenomenon, you can better navigate your emotions and take steps toward healing. Remember, experiencing a widow’s fire is a natural part of the grieving process, and reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
If you or someone you know is struggling with these feelings, consider booking a session with a grief counselor or joining a support group. You don’t have to go through this alone.
For more resources and support, comment to this post and search for local support communities.